Call Centre Pet Hates

February 28, 2005 by Tom M
Filed under: General, Humour

I hate dealing with “customer service call centres”. Even ones that haven’t been outsourced to Bangalore (although dealing with call centers which have is even worse)

Example (and it’s not too far from the mark either):

Welcome to IBO.
If you wish to speak to a customer care assistant, please enter your 15 digit customer ID number after the tone. For your convenience, this appeared on screen, once, when you signed up through our website. We have never sent this information to you, however we expect you to be able to recall it instantly on demand. Then press *.

(hang up - rummage through files - find where i scribbled number down - redial)

(Enter Number) *

Badly recorded 20 second loop of classical music which has clearly been chosen to be as annoying as possible once you’ve heard it 30 or 40 times, occasionally interspersed with a brief piece of silence apart from some recorded call-center background noise (to give you hope that your call is actually being answered) followed by something like “Your call is important to us, you are currently 57th in the queue, calls are answered in sequencial order. Please continue to hold.” and “why not take advantage of our new home phone service, if you had done, this call wouldn’t be costing you 50p a minute. [spoken very fast] Only available to BT customers with an IQ over 150 during a lunar eclipse” - more music…

Operator: Hi this is “name” - what’s your 15 digit customer ID number?
Me: I just entered that into the phone
Operator: That doesn’t come though to us - please give it to me again.
Me: (number)
Operator: Now I need to confirm your identity, please give me the following information exactly as you entered it when you first signed up. Full Name, Address, Phone Number, Shoe Size, Inside leg measurement, favourite ice-cream flavour.
Me: (correctly answer all details)
Operator: Thank you sir. How can I help you
Me: I mistyped one of those details when logging on, and now I’m locked out of my account on the website.
Operator: OK sir, well you’ll need a website unlocking code. Please confirm the following additional pieces of information for security purposes before I can authorise the unlock, the name of your first school teacher, home telephone number, website security access code, the 3rd and 5th letters of your password, and the colour of your kitchen flooring. (talk about using obscure and seemingly random peices of information as security codes…)

Me: (rummage through notes - give correct answers)

Operator: Thank you sir, we’ll have that unlocking code in the post and you should have it in 3 to 5 working days.

Me: Post? You’re going to POST it to me? (not impressed)

A week passes…

Go to reactivation screen.
Enter 15 digit number, random letters from my password, the code they sent me, another obscure piece of information from my past… which I mis-spelt…

“Your account is locked out”

Swear under my breath because I know what’s going to happen next…

Call the number…

Welcome to IBO. Your call may be recorded or monitored for training purposes, or for posting onto our intranet in our “idiot customer calls” section. We have amended our security procedures, so please listen to the following instructions carefully. If you wish to speak to a human being to obtain a reactivation code, please press #, * and 3 at the same time then enter your 15 digit customer ID number, then whistle the overture from Beethovens Fifth Symphony into the phone. Then Press # again. Then enter the 2nd and 4th characters from your password by entering their position in the alphabet, for example, B is 2, Y is 25, then finish by pressing ###* Please do this now.

(I’m sure they just do this so they can play back the recordings in the break room for laughs)

[beep]

(having experience from the last time, it seems logical that it probably doesn’t matter how you whistle the classic music or whether the phone system can actually send 3 keys pressed simultaneously, they still don’t know who you are, or care what you do now, as long as it ends with *)

Me: *

Another 20 minutes of awful hold music.

Operator: Hi this is “name” - what’s your 15 digit customer ID number?
Me: (number)

… all the security stuff again…

Operator: How can I help you sir?
Me: I’ve locked out my website account.
Operator: Yes, our records show you did that last week. Enter the reactivation number into the website.
Me: I have.
Operator: Oh, I see, you locked yourself out again.
Me: Yes.

… all the security stuff again…

Operator: We’ll post your activation code first-class in 3 to 5 working days, so if the Post Office feel like delivering it, you might have it in the summer. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Me: How do I close my account?
Operator: You can do that through the website sir, once you’ve reactivated your account. May I ask why?
Me: Have you ever tried ringing your own call center?
Operator: No.
Me: Try it sometime - you’ll see why I’m closing my account.
Operator: Thank you for calling. [Click]

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