Quotes

“Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.”

“It's not about the track, it's about the thrills”
-- Gil Grissom
 CSi - Ep. "Turning The Screws"

“Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. ”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”
-- David Brent

“Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.”
-- Seen on a T Shirt

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.”

“Change is inevitable except from vending machines.”
-- Robert C. Gallagher

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.”

“Diet is 'Die' with a T”
-- Garfield

“I Love it when a plan comes together”
-- Col 'Hannibal' Smith
 The A-Team

“I'm not single - I'm romantically challenged”
-- Seen on a Car Sticker

“Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.”

“Never test the depth of the water with both feet”

“Time is an illusion, Lunchtime doubly so”
-- Ford Prefect
 The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

“The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.”
-- Terry Pratchett

“This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic”
-- Terry Pratchett

“If at first you don't succeed, you need a bigger hammer”

“I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere”

“It's been lovely, but I have to go outside and scream now”

“A friend is the one who knows all about you and still likes you”

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”

“Never judge a book by its movie”
-- J. W. Eagan

“If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0”

“I'm not anti-social, I'm just not user friendly”

“Failure - When your best just isn't good enough”
-- Despair Inc

“Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.”
-- Despair Inc

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups”
-- Despair Inc

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination”

“Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.”

“STRESSED spelt backwards is DESSERTS”

“The beatings will continue until morale improves”

“Blessed are the Geeks, for they shall internet the earth”

“Jesus Saves... Buddha does incremental backups..”

“Lots of planets have a North”
-- The Doctor
 Doctor Who ep. "Rose"

“What if the Hokey-Kokey really is what it's all about?”

“A geek is for life, not just for computer breakdowns”

“Never, Never question the Geeks Judgement”

“Agony - Not all Pain is Gain”

“Friends will be friends”
-- Queen

“I'll get by with a little help from my Friends”
-- Joe Cocker

“There's a hero inside of all of us”
-- M People

“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet”

“Sit back, it's Fright time”

“Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money”

“Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble”
-- Sidney J. Harris

“When in doubt, tell the truth.”

“It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.”

“Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.”

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”
-- Douglas Adams

“I am not young enough to know everything.”

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday”

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep”

“I owe, I owe, It's off to work I go”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings”
-- Ed Gardner

“Underpromise; overdeliver.”

“Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it”

“Trust Me, I know what I'm doing”
-- Sledge Hammer

“Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore”
-- Dorothy

“May the Force be with you”
-- Obi Wan Kenobi

“Is it safe?”
-- Arthur Dent

“I feel the need - the need for speed!”
-- Maverick
 Top Gun

“I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”
-- The Wicked Witch of the West
 The Wizard of Oz

“On the other hand, you have different fingers”
-- Steven Wright

“The only thing we need fear is fear itself”

“When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers”
-- Oscar Wilde

“All your base are belong to us”

“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.”

“I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches”
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time”

“About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends”

“Choose Two: Good, Fast, Cheap”

“There's no time to stop for gas, we're already late”

“The gods too are fond of a joke”
-- Aristotle

“Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted”

“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face”

“Cross my heart & hope for a pay rise”

“Instant gratification takes too long”

“fear is nothing but an illusion. When you share it with someone else, it tends to disappear”

“If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me”

“Maybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress”

“No need to think, no need to feel, when only cyberspace is real”

“Confusion is always the most honest response”

“You can't choose the ways in which you'll be tested”

“Ten Doughnuts and a Diet Coke please”
-- Tom Marshall

“Trying is the first step towards failure”

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different”

“Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction”

“No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.”

“Even God cannot change the past”

“Humor is just another defense against the universe”
-- Mel Brooks

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF”

“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d”

“Who needs friends? My PC is user friendly.”

“A 'program' is used to turn data into error messages.”

“A 'droid don't pull yer arms outta yer sockets when he loses”
-- Han Solo
 Star Wars

“What does Ziggy say, Al?”
-- Sam Beckett
 Quantum Leap

“The force is strong in this one”
-- Darth Vader
 Star Wars

“I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity”
-- Tom Stoppard

“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation”
-- Henry Kissinger

“If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.”
-- Dean Martin

“Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.”
-- E. Joseph Crossman

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
-- J K Rowling

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.”
-- Franklin P. Jones

“The martians could land in the carpark and noone would care”
-- Del Amitry

“To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice”
-- Ambrose Bierce

“What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance”
-- Havelock Ellis

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes”
-- Douglas Adams

“Man is what he eats”
-- Ludwig Feuerbach

“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are”
-- Amy Bloom

“Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!”
-- Barney
 The Simpsons

“What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?”

“Each place has its own advantages - Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the society.”
-- Mark Twain

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who do not posess it.”
-- George Bernard Shaw

“Duct tape is like the force: There's a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
-- Oprah Winfrey

“I only want two things in life: Everything. Now.”

“Everyone with a Jesus fish on the back of their car drives about as well as a monkey on a six day cocaine binge.”

“When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before.”
-- Mae West

“If music be the food of love, play on...”
-- Shakespeare

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
-- Albert Einstein

“Only two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
-- Albert Einstein

“Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an 'F'?”
-- Steven Wright

“Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
-- Carl Sandburg

“Love does not make the world go around; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”
-- Franklin P. Jones

“Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.”

“I would love to change the world, but they will not give me the source code.”

“Failure is not an option - it comes bundled with Windows.”

“Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These cows are very small; those are far away”
-- Father Ted Crilly

“We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.”
-- Blackadder

“A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.”
-- Basil Fawlty

“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
-- Jay Leno

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
-- Emo Philips

“Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.”
-- Steve Wozniak

“Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”
-- Yoda

“Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.”

“It's not a bug - it's an undocumented feature.”

“Get the cool, Get the cool shoeshine”
-- Gorillaz

“Is this the way to Amarillo?”
-- Tony Christie

“At least an asteriod's not gonna kill us all”
-- Pearlmaggeddon

“At least there'll be a sunrise in the morning”
-- Pearlmaggeddon

“It's good to know that nothing lasts forever”
-- Pearlmaggeddon

“It went zip when it moved and bop when it stopped and whirr when it stood still”
-- Tom Paxton

“Lonely, I'm Mr Lonely, I have nobody for my own”
-- Akon

“They paved paradise and put up a parking lot”
-- Joni Mitchell

“Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money”
-- Good Charlotte

“Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked”
-- Jeff Pesis

“0x2B|!0x2B”
-- William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

“Managing programmers is like trying to herd cats”
-- Greg Settle

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments”

“Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.”

“If you believe in telekenesis, raise my hands”

“My Reality Check bounced”

“Everybody is somebody else's weirdo”

“Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction”

“Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.”

“Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.”

“Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.”
-- Arnold Rimmer
 Red Dwarf

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.”

“Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.”
-- Joel
 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“A friend is the one who knows all about you and still likes you.”

“I reject your reality and substitute my own”
-- Adam Savage

“Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.”
-- James Magary

“What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”
-- Dr. Robert Schuller

“Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
”
-- Laurence J. Peter

“Things are only impossible until they're not.”
-- Jean-Luc Picard

“Never eat more than you can lift.
”
-- Miss Piggy

“One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.”
-- Elbert Hubbard

“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.”
-- Robert X. Cringely

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.”
-- Douglas Adams

“In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.”
-- Douglas Adams

“Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street- cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.”
-- Terry Pratchett
 Moving Pictures

“What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"”
-- Terry Pratchett
 Pyramids

“We want God to come and save us. But he won't. God doesn't stop levees from failing, he doesn't stay the force of tsunamis, and he doesn't stop planes from smashing into buildings. Deus Ex Machina is overrated.”
-- Waiter Rant

“With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”
-- Steven Weinberg

“You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.”
-- Jeannette Rankin

“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.”
-- Jimmy Carter

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.”
-- Nathaniel Borenstein

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
-- Rick Cook

“The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.”
-- Joe Martin

“We're on a road to nowhere”
-- Talking Heads

“People find life entirely too time-consuming.”
-- Stanislaw J. Lec

“He who will not economize will have to agonize.”
-- Confucius

“The cautious seldom err.”
-- Confucius

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side kid”
-- Han Solo
 Star Wars

“I've got a bad feeling about this”
-- Han Solo
 Star Wars

“We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.”
-- C-3PO
 Star Wars

“Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
-- Leia Organa
 Star Wars

“Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.”
-- Yoda
 Star Wars

“You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!”
-- Leia Organa
 Star Wars

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.”
-- William Dement

“Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.”
-- Marston Bates

“A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily.”
-- Dan Seligman

“If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.”
-- G. K. Chesterton

“My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.”
-- Ronnie Shakes

“The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.”
-- Laurence J. Peter

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work like that, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
-- Peter Kay

“When will the fun ever stop?”
-- Adam Savage
 Mythbusters

“Failure is always an option”
-- Adam Savage
 Mythbusters

“I like it in here. It's private.”
-- Jamie Hyneman
 Mythbusters

“Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual”
-- Terry Pratchett

“I forget things all the time, but I never forgive.
”
-- Oliver White

“Warning! This blog may contain traces of nuts. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting and seek medical advice.”
-- Oliver White

“Everything is negotiable unless you're in a rush. Or anaesthetised.
”
-- Oliver White

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
-- Robert A. Heinlein

“Politics: "Poli" a Latin word meaning "many"; and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"”
-- Robin Williams

“There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.”
-- Steven Wright

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
-- Woody Allen

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
-- Woody Allen

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
-- Woody Allen

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
-- Tiger Woods

“It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as "slightly foxed", although it would be more honest to admit that it lookedas though it had beed badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.”
-- Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

“For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”
-- Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

“"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."”
-- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

“What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"”
-- Terry Pratchett, Pyramids

“Fabricati Diem, Punc.”
-- Terry Pratchett
 Guards! Guards!

“The only way housework could be done in this place was with a shovel or, for preference, a match.”
-- Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

“Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.”
-- Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
-- Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home.”
-- Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

“AIRPORTS: A place where people hurry up and wait.”
-- Terry Pratchett, Wings

“Everyone's heard of Erwin Schrodinger's famous thought experiment. You put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison, which many people would suggest is about as far as you need to go.”
-- Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat

“People whose concept of ancient history is the first series of Star Trek may be treated with patience, because it's usually not their fault they were reduced to getting their education from school.”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Dating's like going on a job interview. You don't know if you'll get the job, but if you do, you get to see the interviewee naked.”
-- Waiter Rant

“Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.”
-- Robert Heinlein

“There's barely enough space to swing a cat - I should know, Fluffy died.”
-- Grant
 Grownups

“People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.”
-- A. J. Liebling

“There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness.”
-- Franz Kafka

“Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so.”
-- Lord Chesterfield

“A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world.”
-- John Le Carre

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH," the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
-- Terry Pratchett

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“We're drowning in information, but starving for knowledge”

“This is seriously, extremely perverse. I'm impressed.”

“I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.”

“Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than sleeping in your garage makes you a car.”
-- Garrison Keillor

“If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.”

“Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it”

“"Love Life" may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.”
-- Mark - Peep Show

“Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.”
-- William Feather

“Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors”
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?”
-- Jay Leno

“I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.”
-- Richard Lewis

“I don't want to just rain on your parade, I want to blow up the floats.”

“After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its deevolution into the shiny things network”

“As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a Godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?”
-- Holly
 Red Dwarf

“I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.”

“Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?”
-- George Carlin

“I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.”
-- Dana Carvey

“Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.”
-- PJ O'Rourke

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

“I think anyone who says they don't want to be on television is clearly disturbed”
-- Eugene Sully

“If rash, irritation, redness or swelling occurs, discontinue....
"relationship."”
-- Sorry, I haven't a Clue - Radio 4

“Rock 'n roll angels bring that Hard Rock Hallelujah”
-- Lordi

“Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.”
-- H. Mumford Jones

“Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.”
-- Jacob Braude

“When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.”
-- Lenny Bruce

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.”
-- Stephen Vizinczey

“Life is just one damned thing after another.”
-- Elbert Hubbard

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
-- Jules Renard

“For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.”
-- Alice Kahn

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
-- Abraham Lincoln

“Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.”
-- Ron Nesen

“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”
-- Michael Masser and Linda Creed

“God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.”
-- Jacques Deval

“Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.”
-- Cullen Hightower

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”
-- George Burns

“Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.”

“The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.”

“A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. ”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”
-- Fran Lebowitz

“localhost, sweet localhost”

“There's no place like 127.0.0.1”

“Actually, I think he's the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.”
-- Blackadder

“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
-- Bill Lyon

“I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.”
-- Totie Fields

“To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity. We are given senses to receive our information within. With our own eyes we see, and with our own skin we feel. With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand. But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself.”
-- Sophy Burnham

“When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.”
-- Abraham Lincoln

“The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.”
-- Eric Hoffer

“A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.”
-- James Feibleman

“A cult is a religion with no political power.”
-- Tom Wolfe

“Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits.”
-- Dan Barker

“There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man's lawful prey.”
-- John Ruskin

“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.”
-- Daniel J. Boorstin

“You've got to take the bitter with the sour.”
-- Samuel Goldwyn

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.”
-- Andy Rooney

“Deeds, not words shall speak me.”
-- John Fletcher

“The question should be, is it worth trying to do, not can it be done.”
-- Allard Lowenstein

“Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.”
-- Millicent Fenwick

“Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
-- Earl Mac Rauch

“A paperclip can be a wondrous thing. More times than I can remember, one of these has gotten me out of a tight spot.”
-- MacGyver

“Brace yourself. This could be fun.”
-- MacGyver

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up... and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.”
-- MacGyver

“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”
-- Dave Barry

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job”
-- Douglas Adams

“Please Lord, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me. ”

“Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.”
-- Dave Barry

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships”
-- Henry Winkler

“When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.”

“No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. ”
-- Linus (from Peanuts)

“Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift. ”
-- Miss Piggy

“Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you. ”
-- Madame de Tencin

“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”
-- Benjamin Disraeli

“Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies. ”
-- Adrienne Gusoff

“I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing. ”
-- Jonathan Swift

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? ”
-- Bill Watterson

“First things first, but not necessarily in that order.”
-- Doctor Who

“An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.”
-- John Buchan

“Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm. ”
-- Frank Dane

“I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.”
-- Ripley (in Aliens)

“Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.”
-- Russell Baker

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”
-- David Frost

“A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!”
-- Rodney Dangerfield

“Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
-- Bob Ettinger

“You pushed my face down on the barbecue grill,
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will”
-- Weird Al Yankovic

“And Alderaan's not far way - it's Californication”
-- Red Hot Chilli Peppers

“Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever? when love must die”
-- Queen

“Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.”
-- Ernest Haskins

“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
-- Alfred Hitchcock

“No one's going to take me alive, the time has come to make things right”
-- Muse - Knights of Cydonia

“Up and Down, Round and Round, on a rollercoaster,
I close my eyes and I'll fly, on a rollercoaster.
Rolling on my rollercoaster.”
-- Di-Rect - Rollercoaster.

“When your best friend finds his best gal, he won't want to know your name.”
-- Fat and Frantic

“Some people are like Slinkies: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.”

“How do I set a laser printer to stun?”

“Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.”

“There's too much blood in my caffeine system.”

“Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?”

“This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.”
-- Vivian, from The Young Ones

“Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.”
-- Woody Allen

“The difference between men and children are the toys.”
-- Ayrton Senna

“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
-- Bill Lyon

“Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.”
-- Blackadder

“Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
-- Carl Sandburg

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they do not have a J.O.B.”
-- Fats Domino

“If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understantd it, it's Mathematics.”
-- Flipside

“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.”
-- Jeff Foxworthy

“Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch.”
-- Jeremy Clarkson

“Blood! Death! War! Rumpy pumpy! Triumph!”
-- King Richard (from Blackadder)

“Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation, we'd all run around in a dark room munching pills and listening to repetitive music.”
-- Marcus Brigstocke

“Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that everyone liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.”
-- Mike Myers

“Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it? What do I mean now? - The little things - Raisins!”
-- Mrs Doyle, from Father Ted

“It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.”
-- Scott Adams

“Lets face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine”
-- Jimmy Carr

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.”
-- Scott Adams

“Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.”
-- Scott Adams

“The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.”
-- Scott Adams

“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.”
-- Scott Adams

“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
-- Jeff Foxworthy

“I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.”
-- Zach Braff

“Hold a chicken in the air, Stick a deckchair up your nose”
-- Spitting Image

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked”
-- Bill Cosby

“Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.”
-- Gary Allan

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
-- Bernard Manning

“About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas, for it seems like it always leaves most of us in the red.”

“Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.”
-- Voltaire

“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
-- Doug Larson

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."”
-- Dave Barry

“There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."”
-- Dave Barry

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”
-- Dave Barry

“You should not confuse your career with your life.”
-- Dave Barry

“There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.”
-- Dave Barry

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.”
-- Dave Barry

“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)”
-- Dave Barry

“Your friends love you anyway.”
-- Dave Barry

“Thought for the day: Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”

“The first Noel the public did see, was a small bearded DJ on evening TV”

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.”
-- Kurt Vonnegut

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
-- Robert Frost

“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”
-- Mel Brooks

“"I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'"”
-- Ellen DeGeneres

“"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."”
-- St Augustine

“Narf”
-- Pinky

“I'm in intense pain Pinky”
-- Brain

“Everybody needs somebody to love”
-- The Blues Brothers

“He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.”
-- Eddie Cantor

“Why am I sticky and naked - did I miss something fun?”
-- Phillip J Fry - Futurama

“My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can't make your children carry.”
-- Bill Bryson

“Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.”
-- Bill Cosby

“First things first, but not necessarily in that order.”
-- The Doctor

“Stale File Handle (next time use Tupperware)”
-- The BOFH Excuse List

“We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there. ”
-- "Eastbound and Down" - Jerry Reed

“Relax, what could possibly go wrong”
-- 6 Word IT Stories

“Holiday over, shut up and work.”
-- 6 Word IT Stories

“Fill blog with buzzwords, reap rewards.”
-- 6 Word IT Stories

“Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink. Blink, and you're dead. Good Luck.”
-- The Doctor

“HOSED - Hardware Or Software Error Detected”
-- Meaningful Errors

“Friendship is something I don't take lightly. It's too hard to come by.”
-- MacGyver

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
-- Miss Piggy

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss”
-- Douglas Adams

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.”
-- Joseph Addison

“Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never.”
-- Charles Caleb Colton

“A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.”
-- Father Jerome Cummings

“Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends.”
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“My heart feels dead inside,
It's cold and hard and petrified,
Lock the doors and close the blinds,
We're going for a ride”
-- The Master (in song, by Scissor Sisters)

“My Body's tired of travelling and my heart don't wish to roam”
-- Love Don't Roam - Neil Hannon

“What a wonderful smell you've discovered.”
-- Han Solo
 Star Wars

“The guns - they've stopped!”
-- Gold Two
 Star Wars

“I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters. ”
-- Luke Skywalker
 Star Wars

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”
-- Han Solo
 Star Wars

“These aren't the droids you're looking for.”
-- Ben Kenobi
 Star Wars

“Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder.”
-- Princess Leia
 Star Wars

“What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves”
-- Paul Valery

“The time has come to make this right, you and I must fight for our rights, You and I must fight to survive.”
-- Knights of Cydonia - Muse

“What's that coming over the hill?”
-- Monster - The Automatic

“Being quirkyalone can be difficult. Everyone else is part of a couple!”
-- Sasha Cagen

“Having loads of "friends" on a social network is not the same as having a social life.”
-- Tom Marshall

“The inability to feel has it's advantages. Sometimes.”
-- Dexter

“We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.”
-- Robert Wilensky

“Happy Endings are a myth, designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle”
-- Tim (Simon Pegg in Spaced)

“Dickens noticed that those whose hearts are always with unknown thousands abroad are often the most indifferent to the fewer people nearer home who might benefit from practical help”
-- Clive James

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
-- Rita Rudner

“It turns out meeting new people is a lot more complicated than I'd originally thought.”
-- Moss
 The I.T. Crowd

“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer”
-- Swami X

“Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets”
-- Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart in "Dr. Who"

“Only fools are positive.”
-- Moe Howard

“If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.”
-- John Alejandro King

“There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.”
-- Robert Byrne

“Losing all hope was freedom”
-- Fight Club

“I think I deserve a better story than "We met on Match.Com"”
 Postsecret.com

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
-- Socrates

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
-- Bob Hope

“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.”

“Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'-ing and 'rutut'-ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they 'sqweloookle'!”
-- K Kochanski
 Red Dwarf

“I often wonder if life is easier for other people, or they're just better at faking it.”
 PostSecret.com

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
-- Rita Rudner

“You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40, if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.”

“If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.”

“Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston - lausajne estas rano en mia bideo. (tran. "Could you send up the Hall Porter - there appears to be a frog in my bidet.")”
-- Arnold J Rimmer
 Red Dwarf

“Got the mind of a Ninja. Body of a Manatee, but the mind of a Ninja”
-- Sheldon
 http://sheldoncomics.com/archive/060811.html

“I'd be fired if that were my job, after killing Jason off and countless screaming argonauts”
-- Birdhouse in Your Soul - They Might Be Giants
 Flood

“Blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch, who watches over you.”
-- Birdhouse in Your Soul
 Flood - They Might Be Giants

“A compliment is a gift, not to be thrown away carelessly, unless you want to hurt the giver.”
-- Eleanor Hamilton

“I don't need to be on Second Life. The first one is hard enough.”
-- Tom Marshall

“Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.”
-- Senator Dianne Feinstein

“He would most probably have become a world-famous astrophysicist but he became a world-famous rock star instead, having convinced his father that this was the right choice”
-- Professor Frank Sanderson on Brian May
 http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article4449144.ece

“I don't pray and I don't go to church but I'm intrigued by it, I dig it. I'm into the idea that there could be a god and aliens and reincarnation”
-- Liam Gallagher

“Meet with the LDC and make sure the MRT gets URPed when the RFIT get NERKed to the ORCAT”
-- Scott Adams
 http://www.dilbert.com/2005-08-22/

“Forever with a sense of shame, I've always been the one to blame.”
-- Pet Shop Boys - It's a sin

“The love that passed me by, I found no reason why”
-- Break Away - The Beach Boys

“I have no friends to help me now.”
-- Soggy Bottom Boys
 Man of Constant Sorrow

“It's about the people you love, and the people who love you, and the rest is all bollocks.”
-- Carl Cato
 "Mutual Friends"

“Insert Witty Quote Here.”

“She'll have Fun Fun Fun until her daddy takes the T-bird away”
-- The Beach Boys

“Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.”
-- Guns 'n' Roses

“Ground Control to Major Tom. ”
-- Space Oddity - David Bowie

“Because I'm drivin' a truck, Drivin' a big ol' truck, Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck, Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn, Drivin' a truck with my high heels on ”
-- Weird Al Yankovic
 Truck Driving Song

“I float his boat, he sinks mine.”
-- Chuck
 I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry

“These are strange days we're living in today, am I straight or gay?”
-- Robbie Williams
 Old Before I die

“He's been waiting for the storm, for the heavy rains to wash away his dreams. He can't take it anymore.”
-- Waiting for the Storm
 Europa Park

“It's hard to overstate my satisfaction”
-- Still Alive - Jonathan Coulton
 Portal

“You just keep on trying till you run out of cake”
-- Still Alive - Jonathan Coulton
 Portal

“Life. Don't talk to me about Life”
-- Marvin
 Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

“Free your secrets and become who you are”
-- Frank Warren
 Postsecret

“Am I missing an eyebrow”
-- Adam Savage
 Mythbusters

“Maybe one of the ways you learn your level of attractiveness is through how other people behave towards you”
-- Dr Lynda Boothroyd

“The Cake is a Lie”
 Portal

“Everyone else has had more sex than me”
-- TISM
 The White Album

“If I died now, how long would it take for anyone to notice I'd gone”

“The word "impossible" is not in my dictionary. In fact, everything between "herring" and "marmalade" appears to be missing.”
-- Dirk Gently
 Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency - Douglas Adams

“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.”